12/28/08 – 12:00pm (K&C revisited…)
today was the day i first went to St. Bernard’s Church and scoped out where i was going to begin my ‘Knowledge & Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel.” (8/28/08 – 10:12am) a thursday… far left row, 5th pew. .:the rest is here:. – now, today 12/28/08 – 12:54pm i sit in Bruegger’s Bagel Factory in the valley recounting what all has transpired since then. it’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride. the K&C i had today was very, um… powerful, to say the least.
i’ve just gotten to the point of feeling like K&C was gonna actually be apart of the rest of my life, not some 90 day ritual. and then your done? nah… not quite. will the HGA ‘reveal’ itself to you on the 90th day? maybe. thats the ‘hope.’ but dont’ forget to remind yourself often that you have no true idea or understanding of what that is going to be like when it happens. so stop thinking about it. (no lust of result…) no lust of result… hmmmm. i understand this in so many more ways now. alot of ‘NOW’ has been poping its head in here and there. the whole ‘being present in the NOW.’/'just for today.’ thing. yeah. well, like i said… TODAY’s K&C was ‘powerful’ to say the least… poof majick and all. the POWER that comes with NOW. (i wonder if Tolle has ever done K&C secretly, behind thelemic closet doors.) – ‘The Power of NOW.’ - good shit. nice science.
for instance…
i have a few spiritual partners (in crime). and we each have very unique relationships. no insult to my other brothers and sisters, but there is one now back in my (physical) life that is VERY important to alot of ‘The Work.’ our paths seem quite parralel. we have tried our hand at intertwining them on some intimate levels. but nothing has been achieved by it that has been more fulfilling than what we get from placing our focus on our spiritual relationship and our brother/sister mage relationship. so we’ve gotten quite caught up in the drama that ensues when you become stuck in the thrall of ego-based relationships. yep. i said it. ya start having sex and allowing certain other magnetics to entertain each other and you can easily slip into the shadowy edges of ATU XI…
“…The Fool comes to a cross-road, filled with energy, confidence and purpose, knowing exactly where he wants to go and what he wants to do. But he comes to a dead stop. A flowering tree marks the path he wants to take, the one he’s been planning on taking. But standing before a fruit tree marking the other path is a woman. He’s met and had relationships with women before, some far more beautiful and alluring. But she is different. Seeing her, he feels as though he’s just been shot in the heart with cupid’s arrow, so shocking, so painful is his “recognition” of her. As he speaks with her, the feeling intensifies; like finding a missing part of himself, a part he’s been searching for his life long. It is clear that she feels the same about him. They finish each others sentences, think the same thoughts. It is as if an Angel above had introduced their souls to each other. Though it was his plan to follow the path of the flowering tree, and though it will cause some trouble for him to bring this woman with him, to go somewhere else entirely, the Fool knows he dare not leave her behind. Like the fruit tree, she will fulfill him. No matter how divergent from his original intent, she is his future. He chooses her, and together they head down a whole new road. “
yep. that was me…
that was ‘us.’
yes. ok. a few times while in each others embrace we had a similar unity… and it’s a beautiful thing. a wonderful thing, our bodies. our hearts. angel, demon and human alike. different hearts. but hearts none-the-less. but how does it stand up next to the relationship with the Cabal-mate who’s been there either at your side or right behind the aethyr of time and space for the past 12 years? i think the answer is obvious.
i don’t think romantic relationships are quite so unimportant as i used to and i also now dont see them as important as i used to. i can see them. and see them work functionally. but the spiritual relationship must always come first. my ally/demon refered to our relationship as ‘just a snack.’ now you could take that alot of ways. but you pretty much know the way things are meant when a demon hisses it at you. for instance: if your birth father was a Jedi of the Darkside, what would he say about all this? – yeah.
so…
this all has set for me quite a stage to land on as i sprint and leap the 90 day K&C sandpit.
today my HGA says to me: “now here you are. and here is your 8th key: a question… ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?’”
you’re fucking kidding me right?! that’s it?! “what do i want to do?!”
“yes.” – “it is the hardest question to answer… tell me, what DO you want to do?”
needless to say you’ve probably guessed my answer…?
“what do i want to do? holy shit… i don’t fuckin know do i?”
so i’ve been given these 7 puzzle pieces, the last one of which was my Q&A with my HGA concerning my ‘TRUE Will:’
“TRUE Will is like the TRUE Self. it is dynamic, not one static purpose. TRUE Will is never known as a specific one-time expression. there is Formulae, and it grows like a witch’s cupboard, not one final product.”
been thinkin about that actually. i know i want my spirtual relationship with my partner to survive. so it has been revealed to me how the ‘forces’ of ‘entropy’ cause the ultimate need to keep changing a relationship so that it can continue to grow. me wanting to ‘keep’ a person to ‘myself’ has it’s TRUE intentions but it leads one down an ‘ego-based’ mountain path leading to self destruction if your not skilful enough to hike it. so gotta keep it changing. evolving. we have achieved certain levels that we need to expand and we have achieved some that we WANT to expand but have not all the tools we need to do it successfully yet. so i pray… i give up my grasp. i hope she will feel the same as i do and she has always done and stay close.
as a whole, this entire 90 day experience has been severly illuminating. i am still here, still awake, still alive. but much more skilled, much more focused, much more humbled. still alot to work on, but i AM making progress. (there’s a song playing on the radio now, ‘apologize’ by One Republic… “it’s too late to apologize…” NO. it’s not.)
i’m reminded of an old saying one of my teachers brought to my attention yesterday:
“if you sleep with a wolf, expect to be bitten every now and then…”
i mean well, i swear i do. i AM so much nicer than i used to be. i HAVE grown. and in the proper direction. maybe i’m just a late bloomer. could be. lord knows my childhood wasnt very productive. well, not in dealing with ‘others.’ or learning how to. quite the little tower mage as a kid. secluded in my dreamworld. in my dreams was where i was strongest.
so did my HGA appear before me?
yes.
and yes. not as i expected. not an entity of light and beauty…
but as something very ‘alien’ feeling… a sillouette before me like the way the Predator Alien’s optic prism body armor makes him appear transparent but you can see the bending light about his body like he is a ’shadow of light.’ and all inside him flicker images, moving pictures… home movies, cell phone pics, memories of a love and union, visions of dream and knowledge. possible futures. and something like the ‘thumpers’ in Dune, pulsing, thumping a constant repeat pattern of the NOW. now. noW. nOW. NOW. and it revealed so much info so quickly it nearly made me vomit. it was like i was about to have some slow motion hallucinatory siezure. i got faint. dizzy. had to squat down, eventually lie down as the room spun about me as if i had just came home drunk and fell to my bed. hard to breath. each breath gave me way too much oxygen. so i had to take small quick hisses inwards of air. every hair on my neck stood straight and then my arms. and a feeling like when a gun goes off near your head and you didnt expect it… that feeling of ‘i almost shat meself!’ i realize then my ’sensitivity’ in a whole new light. i have to be very careful. much more mindful, and this is going to take a peaceful pulsing heart chakra to accomplish.
i must not allow myself to be so ‘disturbed.’
…song titled: “Just For Today” over here: http://www.myspace.com/ripisc
good tune. one of my best i think. simple but to the point. listening to it now…
“…you are already complete and there’s nothin you need…”
“so what are you going to DO with it?”
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.:LINX OV INTEREST:.
http://excrement.wordpress.com/category/majick/kc-and-ally-work/
http://www.jwmt.org/v1n7/bornless.html
http://www.12step.org/The-12-Steps.html
http://thelema.org/aa/documents/the_book_of_the_law/index.html
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