11/23/08 – 3:28pm (letter from a friend concerning the ‘mirror trick’)

this letter is posted to inspire others who feel like they can’t make it or haven’t got enough ‘knowledge.’ not saying my friend is dumb, NO! in fact i think he’s very smart and insightful, but he is just picking up the ‘great work’ once again. like many of us who begin the long road home and get side tracked or lose hope or confidence in ourselves thinking it’s all just mumbo jumbo.

fuck, i don’t know where to start.  so i’ll just start in the middle and ramble my way to the beginning, with brief mentions of the end.  Or, some other ineffective/evocative meandering device. started with the mirror in the bath.  a glimpse of my shadow self.  eyes losing they’re iris, becoming all pupil, with the “star of my center” as pupil.  the face of a “dark god”, an angel/demon, my own face.  a face hideously beautiful, and beautifully hideous, and i was no longer looking into the mirror it was looking into me.  the initial discomfort of an intense stranger staring deep into me seemlessly flowed into the adoring gaze of a lover, to that lover looking at me with the bemused irritation of one used to putting up with the same mistakes from me but forgiving me anyway. jump: my awquard and pathetic attempt to invoke the watchtowers being met with a sense of benign tolerance, and amusement(?) and a knowledge that it was effective (subtly let know that there WAS protective forces around me), that my will/desire had pulled it off somehow.  that the practice wasn’t the magick, but i need the “practice”. then i had to read the invocation of sehkmet (used the one on the r masters page) because i knew i couldn’t memorize it in time (was commanded to do the ritual that night, i could wait no longer) and i can read well aloud, and i practiced.  but i fucking stumbled again, but squashing frustration and all the ego bullshit i just plowed on.  but even from a point of non-attachment i was curious how effective the rest of the ritual would be. the end of the ritual was to be the mirror, with symbols on my face of ash (from that sachet i mentioned before that i felt the need to burn soon, but more on that later).  now i had fucked for hours building up sexual energy, whipped myself till i was high from endorphines, one hit of pot, had some fucked up music playing, and i was fucking CLEAR.  do you know what i mean (no scientology shit), sharp and at my center.  still i wrestled with the mirror for awhile, still the lust of result.  got on top of it, and poof!  there was my HGA questioning me, feeling the hair on my body stand up in waves, and an “ozone hum” to the air.  i honestly can’t remember all of the conversation, and my diary is two floors down right now.  But, the jist was i asked for “freedom” (from my own bullshit, blah, i was made to “clairify terms”).  man it’s all still alot to try to explain.  my-hadit’s face took on a feline aspect (the first time sehkmet’s presence was felt/seen), and my mind changed.  i don’t know how else to say it.  “and if it’s freedom you desire” then the lion turned to a serpent, just one, but there was no star in its eyes, it was the abyss, i was given a nice long (very short) look and i couldn’t have turned away if i wanted to, but my head was turned away for me.  “are you still in such a hurry?”  and that freed me of my desire to “rush” towards my enlightenment.  ( i feel like if that hadn’t have been done, i would have went too far and would be mad.) i’m going to take my steps like a good boy, a refine all my skills PATIENTLY, but with purpose, and get there when i do. at the end of the ritual i asked for patience and forgiveness for my bumbling, and was given a sense that i was “pleasing” like a rock that will be quite pretty once polished blargh, so much more. HGA started talking to me today after like fifteen minutes of meditation, but insisted i continue even though he had no more to say for the day.

sleepy, please call me tomorrow.
LOVE
colin